Boundaries are something that may seem fairly obvious on the surface: don’t do things that hurt people. And yet there’s a lot that can go wrong when someone expresses their boundaries.
I have been fortunate enough to make a lot of very kind friends in the last year. As I recovered from a very painful depression I met some people going through similar pain. People that know how it feels to be in the gutter. People that know how it feels to crawl out of it. I’ve found a sense of normalcy around these friends.
I recently asked 2 of them on separate occasions to avoid certain topics when I’m around because it makes me really uncomfortable. They immediately told me that they understood and would try to avoid mentioning the topics.
This may sound really simple to anyone reading this but let me go into detail on the skills required for this simple, beautiful and kind situation.
Skills requirements for boundaries
1. Firstly I have to know that my discomfort isn’t necessary. A lesson that took me many years to learn. I do not have to live in discomfort… I can create comfort around myself. I should be comfortable around my friends, in my home, by myself. I should be comfortable in most situations actually.
Knowing this grants me the ability to tell people that they are making me uncomfortable, instead of just sucking it up like I would usually do. It also grants my friends the choice to keep hurting me or limit that specific behavior. This way I don’t assume that they don’t care about my feelings.
2. I have to know how to communicate it. Just because they hurt me doesn’t mean they are bad people. I don’t have to be angry with them as long as I can tell their intentions weren’t bad. I can communicate to them nicely that I didn’t feel comfortable with what they said to me or the topics they raised around me. Besides being nice it’s also important that I am precise with my communication. Saying ‘I felt bad when you mentioned this’ might not be enough for the other person to understand why it bothered you. Try to tell them why it bothers you as well. If you don’t know the reason it might help to use a Journal to figure out the specific reason.
3. They have to understand and accept what you’re communicating. This is the part that (at least for me) distinguishes emotionally intelligent friends from those that are… less gifted. It takes emotional intelligence and/or experience to understand that your intention isn’t what decides whether someone gets hurt or not. We all hurt our friends without meaning to. It’s the friends responsibility to share the thing that hurt them with us. And after the friend shares it, it’s up to us whether we are going to make changes to our behavior or not. In my personal opinion I think it’s very reasonable to try not to hurt a person you love.
Friends that don’t listen
You see I have this friend that I’ve known for the longest time… he’s not exactly the sensitive type. We don’t talk much to begin with and he’s kind of been out of the loop with what’s going on in my life.
He doesn’t know that i’m going to therapy, that I’m learning about Emotional Intelligence, Spirituality, Yoga and Meditation.
So when I tried to set a boundary with some of his behavior (very nicely without any anger whatsoever) his reaction was basically ‘chill out, why are you making a big deal out of nothing’ and ‘I didn’t do anything wrong’.
Little does he know I agree with both those statements. His small judgemental comments weren’t a big deal and he didn’t really do much wrong.
The thing is, I didn’t appreciate the comments. I don’t want judgement like that from a friend. So I think it’s very reasonable for me to bring it up and ask nicely not to make such comments.
I suppose he felt attacked in some way? I don’t really care. I have seen how emotionally intelligent people react when I let them know something small made me uncomfortable. I have seen how people who care about how I feel react when I communicate with them.
This friend however isn’t capable of the same compassion and love.
Moving forward
So I won’t be talking to him much. Which is my decision to make. Why should I give my time to people that make me uncomfortable and ignore my clear communication around it? Why do they deserve any of my time? I don’t owe them after all.
It’s like I’ve found a new form of self-respect that I didn’t have before. A little sad that it took me this long to realize these things but I’m glad to have finally made it this far.
My life keeps getting better and better. And I love my new friends. I love their kindness, I love their lack of judgement. I love that they genuinely care about me, and not about what I can do for them. I love that I’m on their mind even when i’m not around. Just like they are on mine.
I love my new life.